We’re mostly back from our breaaaaaak! Finally feeling our way back into comics, after a doozy of a 2019.
This next year we’re hoping to spend about half our time on Oh Joy Sex Toy (the other half being guest comics) as Erika explores new ideas on her Patreon. We’ll see how it goes as we find our sea legs. Unfortunately, straight out of the gate, we’ve got a ton of copy-editing to get done on Let’s Talk About It, the Random House book we built last year. Soooo you might be seeing more guests pop up sooner rather than later. But that’s always the luck of it, right?
Bidettttts. Are. Amazing.
When I was a child my home had a legit porcline bidet sat next to the toilet. I never really understood it or used it (other than to wash my feet in). Now I wish I had gotten propperly aquainted with it. Then my friend brought into the Bidet attachment craze, and we’ve (slowly) become converts along side him. Legitimately, we’ve never been cleaner. When we decided to buy one for ourself we were still skeptical, so picked up the cheapest thing out there, jusssst incase we didn’t like it.
In hind sight, I might have opted for a higher quality one (like the fancy ones from Tushy), something that lets you change the angle of the nozzle. Thats the model our pal has. But beyond that, I don’t think you really need to go in for a model that has any more bells and whistles attached, I guess you could go for a warm water model, but honestly you get pretty aquainted with the cold water, it feels clean!
Anyway, if you’ve been sitting on the idea of getting one of these to try, or your a person who just can’t ever get a clean wipe back there, OR just love your ass. We really really recommend you pick one up to try. The cheapo model we picked up won’t break the bank and is hella worth it.
The scene starts with a view inside a room with a closed door next to a sink. Erika’s voice drifts out from behind the closed door. She hums “Tum-te-tum-tumm…” before saying, “Huh, I’ve never seen THIS knob before, what do you do…”
A spraying sound can be heard right before Erika lets out a loud SCREECH!
The door bursts open as a terrified Erika flees her friend’s bathroom with her pants still down around her knees. Water splashes out from the doorway behind her. Matthew and their friend pop in from the side of the panel, looking concerned.
Alarmed, Matthew asks her, “Are you ok???” His speech bubble covers up Erika’s crotch, which was left exposed when she ran out with her pants down.
Erika quickly yells back, “YOUR TOILET ATTACKED ME.”
The scene ends, with Erika and Matthew’s faces popping up in the next panel.
Matthew says, “In spite of Erika’s first impression -”
Erika pouts a little as she adds, “(Yes, I literally screamed. That was not an exaggeration for the comic.)”
Matthew continues. “- we’ve taken a cue from our more cosmopolitan pal and introduced a new member to the household! Meet…”
Tibbers Home Bidet (Toilet seat attachment)
A drawing of the bidet attachment is shown, resting on the back of a toilet seat. It has the following points:
- 1.6 lbs
- Adjusts to fit your toilet!
- Water spigot (the spigot is shown hanging down from the middle of the toilet seat, with water squirting out of it)
- Controller (the controller is a circular dial on a part of the bidet attachment that extends past the side of the toilet seat, to be next to the toilet itself)
- ABS plastic with some metal hardware
- $34.71 (We got ours on sale for, like, $26!)
Matthew kneels next to a basic toilet, holding a wrench in one hand and the bidet attachment in the other. He says, “It hooks up to your existing toilet, it’s not one of those fancy French stand-alone thingies. No electricity or anything extra is required! You just need a spanner (British-to-American Translation: Wrench), a good ‘Fix It” mixtape, strength in your marriage, and an hour or so.”
“While Erika initially struggled with this backside slip’ n’ slide, I took to it like a duck to water and I’ve not looked back.”
Matthew leaps into a giant wave of water from the bidet as he says this.
“Or, rather, I can’t STOP looking back! My poop shoot has never been cleaner.”
Matthew, now pantsless, angles a mirror to get a better look at his butt, which sparkles and glistens from how beautifully clean it is.
Erika, looking impressed, comments, “Dang, you could eat off that”.
Erika offers her experience with the bidet. “Honestly, my first few bidet beta tests left me a little cold. Literally.” She crosses her arms and turns away from a toilet that hisses and squirts a jet of water at her.
“The water isn’t heated and that new anal-blasting sensation was just so shockingly alien to me that each time I tried it, I would genuinely - SHRIEK.”
A past Erika is shown practically jumping off her toilet seat with her pants down, shrieking as she mentioned before.
Erika continues. “But the problem was, I only used it after a pee. My first time using it post a Number Two, I finally understood.”
Erika holds her face in her hands, looking mind blown with sparkles coming off her. She says, “I… I’m so… I’M SO CLEAN.”
How a Bidet Attachment Works
(As Explained by Two People Who Know Nothing About Bidets or Plumbing)
Erika and Matthew lean over to grab each side of a giant version of the bidet dial. Matthew says, “Ours only has two settings, controlled with one dial. Twist it to the left and it cleans ITSELF…”
Erika adds, “... Twist to the right and welcome to WATER WORLD.””
With surgical precision, it shoots water straight upwards to your bullseye. The rest of your butt stays pretty dry and you can increase the water pressure from a tender caress to sand blaster, depending on your rear’s requirements. Once you’re done, you use a tiny bit of TP to dab up any wetness left on your butt and then flush, baby, flush.
An illustration shows a stream of water from the bidet’s water spigot hitting an X-shaped anus.
Erika and Matt’s Bidet Do’s and Don’ts:
- Bi-DO: A little hip swivel to hit all possible angles of your b-hole. Nice.
- Bi-DON’T: Turn it on when you’re not sitting on it, that water stream has a long trajectory.
- Bi-DO: Say thank you to your new back-yard-buddy once it’s done its job - it worked hard!
- Bi-DON’T: Send graphically descriptive texts to your friends about your bidet experiences - the un-initiated just won’t understand.
Matthew starts making it rain money by quickly swiping his hand across the top of a fat stack of cash to make the bills fly out into the air.
He says, “There are a BUNCH of other models out there with different features - like nozzle angle adjustment - but for you big spenders out there on the quest for some real Big Bidet Energy, there’s extravagant models that’ll pre-heat the seat, warm the water to your preference, blow dry your ass, PLAY MUSIC, and even ‘mist’ the bowl (whatever that’s for).”
Erika says, “While I never felt like my wiping technique was insufficient, I now realize I’ve spent my life little better than a feral raccoon desperately digging through the trash alley that is my ass.”
Her glowing endorsement is accompanied by a drawing of a raccoon surrounded by piles of trash. The raccoon hisses angrily as it clutches a wad of crumpled up toilet paper.
Erika continues. “And now? Now…”
She stares off into the distance, with sparkles coming off her eyes. “Dude. I’m so… clean. Like. I’m just. Clean.”
Matthew stands next to Erika as he adjusts his glasses. He says, “Sure, I don’t think everyone needs one of these doodads in their life, but I can see it being a godsend for folks who struggle to reach backwards, and those of us who have to work to get a thoroughly clean wipe. I’ve even learned it uses LESS water than the amount that goes into making toilet paper in the first place? So it’s a bit better for the environment? I heard it on the Sawbones podcast, so it’s gotta be true.”
Erika holds up her hand. “Bidets just make things better.”
Erika and Matthew hold up umbrellas as they splash and dance around a toilet that sprays water up into the air like a majestic fountain. Matthew says, “Well you know what they say: a happy ass, a happy soul.”
Erika says, “Yup! That’s for sure a real thing people say. Seriously, tho, I’ve gone from a Bidet Nay to a Bidet Yay.”
Matthew adds, “It truly hits the spot!”
Knocks can be heard on the door to the bathroom that Matthew and Erika are splashing around in. Right outside the door, their concerned friend asks, “Hey guys, it’s been a while. You two ok?”
Brought to you by our lovely patrons at Patreon.com/erikamoen.
To repost or license this comic, visit Ohjoysextoy.com/license.
This comic was posted on February 24, 2020 and transcribed May 15, 2022, by Dennie Park, who can be found at linktr.ee/DeepBeeps